Day 11 -- Self Doubt

Yesterday, I had very sincere intentions to polish my resume (I am too lazy to figure out to get the proper accent marks on that word), rework the cover letter and get myself out there. I had some pretty decent leads and the willing help of two friends. However, I fooled around most of the day, and at day eleven, still have very little to list in the category of finding a job except for dropping off an application to Pasadena Unified School District for a job I am most likely over qualified for. And as of 6pm on Thursday, instead of doing anything remotely close to looking for a job I cleaned my kitchen, went to a movie, made chicken curry and took some amazing pictures of the Colorado Aqueduct Bridge at sunset. What is my problem? Let me back up.

In 2001, I moved from Tucson, Arizona back to my native Southern California. The decision wasn’t exactly impetuous but certainly came on very suddenly with little to no plan. The day I drove home, a good friend/mentor took me to lunch. Upon leaving, literally putting me into my car, he told me, I am pretty sure with tears in his eyes, not to ever doubt myself. He was referring to the specific context that had prompted my leaving, however those words have haunted me ever since. I think the idea of doubting myself might not have ever crossed my mind had it not been for his words.

Now all I see is self-doubt, certainly preventing me from going forward with the job search. It is staring me in the face, quite literally everywhere and I am thinking about taking a vacation just to get a break from it. The prospect of reducing the last ten years of my life to two pages gives me a stomach ache. It is hard for me to believe the two page story of my life will reflect the complexities of who I am by. It is very sobering to sum up your life in this way.

Mind you I am not fishing for compliments, I know I have had my fair share of life adventures thus far, but sometimes I wonder what things would have been like if I had taken a right turn instead of left – what is that Dave Matthews’ song line to that effect? Maybe my dad was right, I should have gotten an MBA instead of a degree in theology.

I could watch “Under the Tuscan Sun” or listen to that Rascal Flats song “God Bless the Broken Road,” I need those sentiments and probably sometime soon I will. But for now, I will try to come terms with my current crossroads. As far as the stages of grief, I am done with the first stage of shock & denial, and have official entered into stage 2, pain & guilt. I need large doses of Ben Harper, Old Testament prophets and red wine.